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16 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Ever Gave a Blow Job

Staring down at a hard penis, knowing that in the next few seconds that thing will be in your mouth, can be intimidating. Like, every single time, not just the first time you give a blow job. But don’t worry, it gets better, and like all things in life, experience is so valuable when it comes to Ds in mouths. Also, if it doesn’t get better, just don’t give blow jobs. Men will live.

To help ease your pre-BJ woes, here are 16 things grown women wish they’d known before giving their first blow jobs.

1. A penis doesn’t have eyeballs and can’t tell the difference between the back of a throat and the roof of a mouth. All those slimy surfaces on the inside of your mouth basically just all feel the same. Except your teeth, obviously. I don’t have a penis so I don’t personally get the appeal of “deep-throating,” but (gently) ramming the tip of his dick into the roof of your mouth feels like the same thing and it doesn’t make you gag.

2. A penis isn’t a vagina or a Slip’N Slide and doesn’t just get wet on its own. I mean there’s pre-cum, but that’s like a light rain shower when a proper BJ usually requires a torrential downpour. Either get some lube that doesn’t taste like a takeout bag, or drink some water and be prepared to use all the spit you can muster. It’s not gross. This is someone you make out with (probably).

3. You do not have to bow down before his erect penis like it’s a rising sun god. In movies and TV shows and whatever else, the only BJ position ever depicted is a woman on her knees, bobbing her head back and forth while a man stands up like a statuesque Greek god. This is so rare IRL! You don’t have to invest in knee pads, like Stephanie from seventh grade said you would! Stephanie lied to you. Just get on the bed and do it lying down. It’s COMFIER.

4. You don’t have to swallow and then giggle and say, “OMG, it’s so fun to swallow your hot steamy cum, I really love it a lot!” Also, you just don’t have to swallow at all. The man whose dick you’re sucking is not going to scream and holler at you if you demurely dispose of his cum into a napkin or cup or something. He might get a little upset if you spit it directly onto his face, but that’s really just between the two of you.

5. Your hands can pinch hit when your mouth needs some time on the bench. The average penis is 5.17 inches (when hard). I haven’t measured the inside of my mouth, but I am pretty damn sure there aren’t 5.17 inches of space between my lips and the back of my throat. And no way do I recommend going for broke and shoving a penis down your esophagus. Let your hands help. Put the tip in your mouth and your hands around the base, and voilà. This is within the acceptable rules of play.

6. You’re not going to accidentally bite down on his penis with your teeth and sever it and leave him sterile for the rest of his life. There are an inordinate number of horror stories about women who accidentally use their teeth during a BJ and, like, skin the guy’s dick with their razor molars or something. Teeth should not be the big concern. I feel like they kind of just disappear when this whole act starts, IDK.

7. Sometimes a penis doesn’t smell good and that’s because some men are disgusting. This is a 100 percent deal breaker, I can’t, no, can’t. I don’t think anyone expects a hard penis to smell like Chanel perfume or strawberry Lipsmackers or whatever (although OMG, they should) but some guys are less clean than others. Also. People sweat more in the summertime. Consider this. The crotch area is not free of sweat glands. Personally, I don’t think it’s rude to kindly suggest a sexy shower together beforehand.

8. Penises that look small and non-menacing sometimes feel like novelty-sized pool noodles when they are inside of your mouth. Oh, it looked like a pinky finger from afar, but now that it’s in your mouth, it’s like one of those little toys that grows when you put it in water. What’s happening in there? Who knows. Maybe we’re all overestimating the size of our mouth holes.

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9. You can use your tongue to trick him into thinking he’s all the way in your mouth. Like ~magic~ if magic were perverted and used only to trick men into thinking you give the best blow jobs in the world. You don’t have to just tuck your tongue away and hide it while this event is taking place. You can use it (like the roof of your mouth thing) to trick him into thinking he’s basically pumping away into your stomach. Just either tuck his penis underneath your tongue, or use your tongue to block the back of your throat (this also protects your delicate gag reflexes just in case).

10. A blow job isn’t like a magic button that makes him come right now immediately. Although men do seem to love them, it’s not something that begins and ends in a matter of seconds (usually). These things can be a lot of work, especially if you’re down there for, like, 10 minutes. You can quit literally whenever you want though — never feel like you’re dropping out of a race early.

11. A BJ can be foreplay for men and doesn’t have to be the Big Main Event of the evening. Yeah, not all BJs have to end in a spout of geyser-esque ejaculate shooting forth into the air. You can just do this for, like, a little bit until he gets all riled up, and then move on to other sex things.

12. This is one thing that porn can actually teach you a lot about, like the graphic sex ed you never had in school. Sex ed should definitely be better in this country but I really doubt we’ll ever have gym coaches teaching good blow job decorum in front of a bunch of confused teenagers. And that’s probably for the best? Anyway. People don’t fuck IRL like they do in porn, but sometimes those close-up shots of someone ferociously sucking a D can serve as good little tutorials on how to move your head. Just don’t attempt deep-throating if you’re not very experienced.

13. Literally no one can deep-throat without gagging. I vaguely remember some girl in, like, ninth grade telling me that all grown women literally swallow lidocaine or the stuff in those Orajel swabs before giving a blow job so they don’t gag on a dick. Don’t do this! Don’t drink lidocaine! No! The solution here is to just not deep-throat a penis. Gag reflexes exist for a reason. And you definitely don’t want to throw up on someone you ostensibly like.

14. You do not have to give a BJ just to get a BJ of your own. If a guy refuses to go down on you because you don’t like giving BJs, or he has a disgusting smelly penis that you don’t want in your mouth, or just for literally any other reason, he sucks (except lol he doesn’t suck hahaha get it?).

15. 69ing is terrible and overrated and bad, and let’s just ban it already. OK, maybe you like it but IMO, it is terrible and dumb. The whole point of oral sex is that you can just lie there and do nothing while someone else gives you extreme pleasure. 69ing is like if, while getting a professional massage, you had to also file your taxes at the same time. Doesn’t that sound like a nightmare to you? Because it is. It would be a nightmare.

16. It doesn’t make you a slut to enjoy giving BJs and it doesn’t make you a prude to hate giving BJs. This one sex act is way overblown (LOL, sorry, I’m sorry) but really it’s just one thing on an endless menu of sex things you can do to a person. No one decent will cut things off with you if you don’t like giving BJs, and I swear if anyone ever slut-shames you for liking BJs, direct them to me immediately because there’s a conversation we need to have. You like what you like and hate what you hate, and it’s all fine and good.

Staring at boobs is just one of six easy ways men can live longer

It is the secret we are all trying to unlock — how to live long and happy lives.

Science has found the key to success — for men, anyway.

In the United Kingdom, men in general are not expected to live as long as women — so maybe they need a little bit more help.

The average life expectancy for a man is 79, where women are expected to live to 82.

The reason for women outliving men is genetics, according to Medical Daily. Women have two X chromosomes, which provides them with a backup if a mutation occurs. However, men do not have that luxury — they only have one X chromosome to express all their genes.

Lifestyle factors can also impact how long a person will live.

Here are six ways a man can boost his life expectancy.

1. Stare at boobs

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It may seem like an inconvenience or an invasion of privacy to many women, but staring at boobs creates a positive mindset in men.

The same effect occurs when they look at cute animals.

A 2012 study, published in the Archives of Internal Medicine, looked at the effects positive thinking had on men’s health.

After a year, positive thinking had a powerful effect on health choices.

More than half of the patients with coronary artery disease increased their physical activity versus 37 percent in the control group, who were not asked to write down positive thoughts in the morning.

The same happened to men with high blood pressure.

More than 40 percent of those with high blood pressure followed their medication plan compared to 36 percent in the non-positive-thinking group.

2. Have lots of sex

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What every man wants to hear, but there is a good reason for it.

A study in the BMJ found that sex could decrease a man’s mortality rate by as much as 50 percent.

It is all down to sex promoting physical well-being, as well as being a stress reliever — which can help reduce the likeliness of illness.

Not to mention sex releases serotonin, the happy hormone, which makes us feel better overall.

In the study, life expectancy increased by three to eight years in the group who reported more orgasms.

3. Get married

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Not something everyone would have thought — especially those who refer to their wife as their “ball and chain” — but married men do live longer.

But it also depends on the age at which they get married.

A survey of more than 127,000 Americans found men who got married after they were 25 were likely to live longer than those who married young.

Researchers have questioned whether healthy men are more likely to marry than men with health problems, but unhealthy men actually marry earlier, are less likely to divorce, and are more likely to remarry after divorce or being widowed than healthy men.

Others have wondered whether living with another person has health benefits.

But it seems to be both.

4. Have kids

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It seems like a natural progression, really.

Men who marry and have kids live longer than those who don’t.

A study in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health found that when parents reached age 60, men with kids saw their life expectancy go up two years while women increased by 1.5 years.

By the age of 80, men with kids were expected to live eight months longer than those without kids.

5. Be responsible

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A sense of responsibility can do wonders.

A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology discovered older people in nursing homes who were given a plant to care for had improved socialization, alertness and general function.

Perhaps that is why having kids is good for you.

6. Get a ‘dad bod’

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Most men gain a bit of weight after they have kids, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.

A book called “How Men Age” argues that tubby men are less likely to suffer a heart attack or prostate cancer and are more likely to invest their time in their children.

Author Richard G. Bribiescas says their increased fat levels also make them more attractive to women — which will help with the above tips.