“To let go does not mean to get rid of. To let go means to let be. When we let be with compassion, things come and go on their own.” –Jack Kornfield
Holding on to pain doesn’t fix anything. Replaying the past over and over again doesn’t change it, and wishing things were different doesn’t make it so. In some cases, especially when it comes to the past, all you can do is accept whatever it is you’re holding on to and then let it go. That’s how everything changes. You have to let go of what is hurting you, even if it feels almost impossible. Deciding to hold on to the past will hold you back from creating a strong sense of self — a self that isn’t defined by your past, but rather by who you want to be. Oddly enough, painful feelings can be comfortable, especially if they’re all you know. Some people have trouble letting go of their pain or other unpleasant emotions about their past, because they think those feelings are part of their identity. In some ways, they may not know who they are without their pain. This makes it impossible for them to let go.
If you find it hard to let go of the past, a bad relationship, grudges, etc., these 12 tips could help:
1. Understand that the relationships you thought you’d have are going to be different than the ones you actually have.
We must accept the person we are in this moment, and the way other people are, too. As time goes on, we continue to learn that things don’t always go as planned — actually, they pretty much never do. And that’s okay: If you become aware of yourself and your part of your relationships, they will improve; however, you may also have to accept facts about certain people in your life. Practice gratitude, appreciation, and trust in the process.
2. Don’t be invested in the outcome when it comes to dealing with people, because it often leads to disappointment.
Expectations have a way of keeping us stuck, because they lead us to fear certain outcomes. There are no guarantees in life, and there’s nothing we can really do to get the outcomes we desire when dealing with others. When our expectations or needs aren’t met, we need to respond rationally and appropriately. Sometimes this means setting respectful boundaries; other times, it means letting go.
3. Don’t live in chains when you have the key. We live with self-limiting beliefs that we let define who we are.
We think, “I could never do that!” or “I could never make that happen!” If you truly believe that, you’ll never accomplish your goals. Open up your mind, and believe in yourself. There will be many people who tell you that you can’t do it. It’s up to you to prove them wrong.
4. Let go of the idea that you can control others’ actions. We really only have control over ourselves and how we act.
You can’t change another person, so don’t waste your time and energy trying. I think this is the biggest factor that pushes people to hold onto unhelpful behaviors, like the need to please. We think, “If only I do everything for everyone, they’ll never get mad at me.” Wrong!
5. Only worry about what you think of yourself.
Free yourself from being controlled by what other people think. Start to prioritize how you feel about yourself. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” You can’t live by your values if you’re living for the approval of others.
6. Leave room for mistakes.
Did you make a mistake or say something stupid? It’s okay! Use the experience to learn and make a joke. It doesn’t make you stupid to say something wrong or silly: it makes you human, and sometimes even funny.
7. Accept the things you cannot change.
Stop wishing things could be the way they once were. Bring yourself into the present moment. This is where life happens. You can’t change the past; you can only make decisions today to help how your future turns out.
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8. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
This will allow you to relax and enjoy life’s journey. I laugh with myself and at myself all the time.
9. Do what scares you.
Fear holds us back from doing a lot of things, because it closes our minds to possibilities for our future and locks us into our comfort zone. Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
10. Express what works for you.
Find your voice, and share with others what you’re thinking and feeling in a rational way. If you continue to communicate with others what works for you and doesn’t work for you, you’ll no longer bottle up your emotions. Expressing yourself is an important part of feeling good about yourself and your relationships.
11. Allow yourself to feel negative emotions.
Whether you lost a loved one through death or a break-up, honor your loss. Trying to ignore your negative emotions will extend your suffering. Loss is difficult to experience, and it’s okay to allow yourself to hurt and be sad. Let yourself feel, and go through the grief process so that you can move forward.
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12. Learn forgiveness.
Resentment and unwillingness to forgive will keep you locked in the past and prevent you from moving forward with your life. Remember: When you forgive, you aren’t doing it for the other person; you’re doing it for yourself. If for no other reason than that, forgive and let go.
Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” There’s a lesson in that for all of us: Try to let go of whatever it is that’s holding you back from experiencing yourself. You’ll probably realize that you are not what other people say you are. You are not your pain, your past, or your emotions. It’s the negative ideas about ourselves and our hurtful self-talk that get in the way of who we really want to be. Being able to let go requires a strong sense of self, which gives you the ability to learn and grow from your experiences.”
There’s no use worrying about a low-maintenance woman; she can handle things by herself. You don’t need to drive her around or buy her things that she likes. She can do all that without your help. Independence is her second name, and while she appreciates that she can rely on you, she treats you as her equal. Respect her enough to treat her the same. She was strong on her own before she ever met you, and she still is now.
A low-maintenance woman does not ask for a lot. It’s easy to purchase gifts, but she knows the weight of love and loyalty, which is why she values them more than those that are tangible. A low-maintenance woman is, after all, still a woman with high standards, and she will never allow herself to be treated less than what she knows to be her true value.
As much as you enjoy the lightness of her company, remember that she is her own person: She may fall in a dark place if ever you make the silly and illogical decision to leave her, but she won’t stay there for long. She’ll rise above and beyond you without bitterness and complication, because that’s the way she is.
So do yourself a favor and stay a while. She may teach you a thing or two about living and loving. Dating a low-maintenance woman is more than just being with someone who enjoys cheap thrills; it’s about being with someone who finds beauty in simplicity.
A woman with high standards is a woman who knows what she wants. When she sets the bar for who she chooses to be with, it doesn’t mean that she’s immediately a red-heeled tigress who eats men’s souls for lunch. Standards are relative, and this woman, in her confident smile and intriguing sensibilities, simply knows exactly what she’s looking for.
She is any lady who knows how and when to compromise, but doesn’t take less than what she knows she deserves. She’s honest, open, and admittedly at times, too-wide eyed: There will be always a point when she hopes to marry into real-life royalty, but at the end of the day she just wants a prince who’ll help with the dishes in a cozy home.
She isn’t afraid to venture out, but won’t think twice about staying within her familiar haunts when she feels like it. She can either actively look for love or simply choose to sit in a coffee shop without even trying. However she does it, the point is that she won’t just date anyone (unlike before), because now, she knows better. Yes, she may have been hurt before, and she has also made mistakes, but haven’t we all?
A woman with standards knows that the person who’s worth her time will understand her worth, and treat her right. She is someone who has confidence and ambition, and while at times she may question her own abilities, she never fails to go beyond her insecurities when it truly counts. She doesn’t stand at the sidelines watching life pass her by; she jumps right in the flow and expects whomever she chooses to be with to do the same. She understands that a partner isn’t the person to fix her, but someone who can help her smoothen out her edges while celebrating her identity, and vice versa.
In the same vein, a woman with high standards for her future partner sets even higher ones for herself.
She knows that she has to bring something to the table. She isn’t looking for someone too handsome, or too rich, or too smart. She’s looking for one who can match her in every possible way. That’s where her standards for both herself and her man are coming from; the definite desire to find that one soul excited about the same worthwhile life she has dreamed of. At the end of the day, it’s not really about high standards, just values.
So yes, date a woman with standards. Date a woman who knows her worth, because finding someone who can stand on her own means being with someone who can stand with you.
Here we go, another article with a male writer talking about how inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. “Men want a good personality over a good pair of lady lumps!”
Sorry to disappoint you ladies, but not today. I only do honesty.
You want to attract a man, you have to be attractive! It’s simple logic. By definition, attraction in it’s simplest form is a first impression; instinctual and purely a physical judgment. If you’re shopping for bananas, do you take the ripe banana or the brown bruised banana?… Now before you react, I’m not calling, or insinuating, that anyone is a undesirable bruised banana simply based on how someone looks. Everyone has something to offer and that is what makes us ‘DESIRABLE’… but let’s not joke each other and pretend the world is perfect. Popular culture will have you believe that ‘attraction’ and ‘desire’ are the same thing… but they are not even close… If you are standing next to a Victoria’s secret model, then congratulations, you are now invisible. You’re now a superhero, go you!
I know it’s hard, and yes, you can’t change your genetics. You can’t change the past and you can’t change plain-old bad luck. Attraction for men, biologically, is based on your physical appearance, and although that may vary for personal preference, the general consensus of beauty is fairly universal. You either have it, or you don’t. If you aren’t sure if you’re pretty or not, then you already know the answer. This is harsh but this is the truth.
HOWEVER… all hope is not lost! Do not despair or give up! This is why you ‘Ask Tim’ and this is why I get paid the big bucks. Physical appearance means NOTHING when it comes to REAL, NORMAL, EVERYDAY people! Life is nothing like the movies or Television! Popular culture needs you to believe that celebrities, actors, musicians and the like, are better version of real people. That they are more beautiful or more importantly, living an ‘easier’ life. If you compare yourself to others, and doubt your desirability, then you have already lost the competitive edge; and therefore by simple logic, are less attractive than your ‘competitor’. The dating game is nothing more than a animalistic primal dance of bright colors and loud screams. Attraction will get you noticed first, but just because the early bird gets the worm, doesn’t mean that every other bird is starving!
So…. the top three things that a man will find most desirable. Starting with the most important!
1. Can you have a conversation?!
Approaching a girl is hard. It takes a lot of confidence, practice and sheer optimism. If a guy approaches you, that you like, then make an effort to have a conversation! Even if the guy is a dud, it’s still good to practice until you find the right guy. There is nothing worse than when I’ve approached someone, and after asking,
Tim: Hey, how’s your night going?
Girl: Oh Hey, yeah, good thanks, you?
Tim: I’m great, had a few beers and feel relaxed after a long day. Do you come here often?
Girl: Yeah… a bit… you?
Tim: Yeah I do actually. Really like the music and vibe. Good ambiance. Are you here with friends; having a big night?
Girl: Yeah, a few, what about you?
Tim: Just a few guys from work. Not sure where the night will take me yet. Keeping my options open.
Girl: Oh nice. Nice. Yeah. um. *Sips drink*
Tim: Cool… Cool… *long awkward silence* Talk later then…
No matter what you look like, that example right there will kill any guys mojo. It’s done. It’s over. He’s not coming back. Pack your backs and call an Uber…. Of course you may be nervous too and even too shy to ask him meaningful questions but just the act of trying will make you ten times more desirable. Even if you feel like you are making a fool of yourself, it’s better than not offering anything to the conversation.
A boy will like you for how you look; a man will love you for how you make him feel.
2. Common interests and related humour
Let’s try again.
Tim: Hey, How’s it going, I’m Tim.
Girl: *Notices funny Game of thrones T-Shirt* Ahh excuse me, I’m Daenerys, Mother of Dragons, please address me by my formal title. *with playful smile*
Tim: My apologies Queen, let me buy you another mug of ale.
Girl: Do you have protection?
It’s important to understand that men are just as vulnerable to social expectations and they too suffer from the feeling of inadequacy. If you have realistic expectations about the man you want to meet, then that man is just as nervous about being perceived as ‘attractive’ as you are. He hasn’t nor will rarely approach the most attractive girl at the bar. Every guy knows that that is a suicide mission because she will reject you… and reject you hard… He is approaching you, because A) you seem approachable, meaning yes, in truth, in what he believes is his ‘social range’ but more importantly B) the most attractive girl within his range… Simply by approaching you, he has acknowledged that he finds you ATTRACTIVE! You didn’t have to do anything!!!
3. Know what you want before the night even begins!
The majority of men hate wasting time. When I ask, what do you want for dinner and you reply… “ahhh, I don’t know, what do you want?”, I am dying inside from frustration. Men are simple creatures with unnecessarily complex brains. We are capable of great things, but most of the time, just want to eat, (work), play and sleep. For that, you need to know what you want before you go out. If you are just looking for a no-strings hook up, then act like you want a no strings hook up. If you are looking to find a future, meaningful relationship, then act like you are looking for a meaningful relationship. Social expectation dictates that a man approaches, or makes the first move, but there is nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants. That doesn’t mean you tell a guy what to do and when to do it. It means you act with conviction and congruence in your words and actions. If you want a real connection, ask questions that are both socially appropriate and meaningful.
Tim: Yeah I do actually. Really like the music and vibe. Good ambiance. Are you here with friends; having a big night?
Girl: Me too, I really like Jazz. Especially the saxophone. Something about the sound is just so smooth and calming. Oh and my friend is just at the bar.
Tim: Haha, there is my friend, at the bar also. I know what you mean. It has such a soulful rhythm. Easy to move to. Do you play any instruments yourself?
Girl: Haha I tried the piano but I’m not very good.
Tim: Maybe I can get your number, and we could check out a Jazz Gig sometime?
The last words…
Attraction is important, that’s undeniable, but it will only get you so far. If the only reason you are with someone is ‘attraction’, then that relationship will never last. Be desirable because you show genuine interest in the other person. Make them feel wanted and the rest will fall into place.
Have any questions or want more details? Looking to skip the nonsense and get straight to the action, I can help too. Find me at www.facebook.com/timreplies/
The busiest day for relationship break-ups is looming – so stock up on tissues and tubs of ice-cream before Sunday arrives.
Data has shown that two weeks before Christmas Day is the day of the year when most couples decide it’s over.
That’s according to data compiled by statisticians who studied Facebook posts featuring break-up messages.
There are competing theories as to why a fortnight before the big day is most popular.
For new couples, some may decide they don’t want their new squeeze to meet their family while money-minded lovers may decide that staying together and exchanging expensive gifts just isn’t worth it.
Dr Dorree Lynn, a psychologist and author of Sex for Grownups told ABC News: “If you’re not sure, particularly if you haven’t been dating for several years, a lot of people have issues about gift giving and how intimate the gift giving is.
“They get frightened because they don’t want to put pressure on the other person, but on the other hand they don’t want to feel like a fool giving something and not getting anything back.”
A similar situation occurs in the US ahead of Thanksgiving, with the issue so common that it’s known as the ‘Turkey Dump’.
Luckily, if you make it through the next two weeks, you should be safe until springtime.
Christmas Day is the day of the year when fewest relationships officially end – but the frequency of breakups increases until peaking again in spring