image_pdfimage_print

What do men really find attractive in women? – Tim and his honest answer to this question

Here we go, another article with a male writer talking about how inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. “Men want a good personality over a good pair of lady lumps!”

Sorry to disappoint you ladies, but not today. I only do honesty.

You want to attract a man, you have to be attractive! It’s simple logic. By definition, attraction in it’s simplest form is a first impression; instinctual and purely a physical judgment. If you’re shopping for bananas, do you take the ripe banana or the brown bruised banana?… Now before you react, I’m not calling, or insinuating, that anyone is a undesirable bruised banana simply based on how someone looks. Everyone has something to offer and that is what makes us ‘DESIRABLE’… but let’s not joke each other and pretend the world is perfect. Popular culture will have you believe that ‘attraction’ and ‘desire’ are the same thing… but they are not even close… If you are standing next to a Victoria’s secret model, then congratulations, you are now invisible. You’re now a superhero, go you!

I know it’s hard, and yes, you can’t change your genetics. You can’t change the past and you can’t change plain-old bad luck. Attraction for men, biologically, is based on your physical appearance, and although that may vary for personal preference, the general consensus of beauty is fairly universal. You either have it, or you don’t. If you aren’t sure if you’re pretty or not, then you already know the answer. This is harsh but this is the truth.

HOWEVER… all hope is not lost! Do not despair or give up! This is why you ‘Ask Tim’ and this is why I get paid the big bucks. Physical appearance means NOTHING when it comes to REAL, NORMAL, EVERYDAY people! Life is nothing like the movies or Television! Popular culture needs you to believe that celebrities, actors, musicians and the like, are better version of real people. That they are more beautiful or more importantly, living an ‘easier’ life. If you compare yourself to others, and doubt your desirability, then you have already lost the competitive edge; and therefore by simple logic, are less attractive than your ‘competitor’. The dating game is nothing more than a animalistic primal dance of bright colors and loud screams. Attraction will get you noticed first, but just because the early bird gets the worm, doesn’t mean that every other bird is starving!

So…. the top three things that a man will find most desirable. Starting with the most important!

1. Can you have a conversation?!

Approaching a girl is hard. It takes a lot of confidence, practice and sheer optimism. If a guy approaches you, that you like, then make an effort to have a conversation! Even if the guy is a dud, it’s still good to practice until you find the right guy. There is nothing worse than when I’ve approached someone, and after asking,

Tim: Hey, how’s your night going?
Girl: Oh Hey, yeah, good thanks, you?
Tim: I’m great, had a few beers and feel relaxed after a long day. Do you come here often?
Girl: Yeah… a bit… you?
Tim: Yeah I do actually. Really like the music and vibe. Good ambiance. Are you here with friends; having a big night?
Girl: Yeah, a few, what about you?
Tim: Just a few guys from work. Not sure where the night will take me yet. Keeping my options open.
Girl: Oh nice. Nice. Yeah. um. *Sips drink*
Tim: Cool… Cool… *long awkward silence* Talk later then…

No matter what you look like, that example right there will kill any guys mojo. It’s done. It’s over. He’s not coming back. Pack your backs and call an Uber…. Of course you may be nervous too and even too shy to ask him meaningful questions but just the act of trying will make you ten times more desirable. Even if you feel like you are making a fool of yourself, it’s better than not offering anything to the conversation.

A boy will like you for how you look; a man will love you for how you make him feel.

2. Common interests and related humour
Let’s try again.
Tim: Hey, How’s it going, I’m Tim.
Girl: *Notices funny Game of thrones T-Shirt* Ahh excuse me, I’m Daenerys, Mother of Dragons, please address me by my formal title. *with playful smile*
Tim: My apologies Queen, let me buy you another mug of ale.
**Fast forward**
Girl: Do you have protection?

It’s important to understand that men are just as vulnerable to social expectations and they too suffer from the feeling of inadequacy. If you have realistic expectations about the man you want to meet, then that man is just as nervous about being perceived as ‘attractive’ as you are. He hasn’t nor will rarely approach the most attractive girl at the bar. Every guy knows that that is a suicide mission because she will reject you… and reject you hard… He is approaching you, because A) you seem approachable, meaning yes, in truth, in what he believes is his ‘social range’ but more importantly B) the most attractive girl within his range… Simply by approaching you, he has acknowledged that he finds you ATTRACTIVE! You didn’t have to do anything!!!

3. Know what you want before the night even begins!

The majority of men hate wasting time. When I ask, what do you want for dinner and you reply… “ahhh, I don’t know, what do you want?”, I am dying inside from frustration. Men are simple creatures with unnecessarily complex brains. We are capable of great things, but most of the time, just want to eat, (work), play and sleep. For that, you need to know what you want before you go out. If you are just looking for a no-strings hook up, then act like you want a no strings hook up. If you are looking to find a future, meaningful relationship, then act like you are looking for a meaningful relationship. Social expectation dictates that a man approaches, or makes the first move, but there is nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants. That doesn’t mean you tell a guy what to do and when to do it. It means you act with conviction and congruence in your words and actions. If you want a real connection, ask questions that are both socially appropriate and meaningful.
***
Tim: Yeah I do actually. Really like the music and vibe. Good ambiance. Are you here with friends; having a big night?
Girl: Me too, I really like Jazz. Especially the saxophone. Something about the sound is just so smooth and calming. Oh and my friend is just at the bar.
Tim: Haha, there is my friend, at the bar also. I know what you mean. It has such a soulful rhythm. Easy to move to. Do you play any instruments yourself?
Girl: Haha I tried the piano but I’m not very good.
**fast forward**
Tim: Maybe I can get your number, and we could check out a Jazz Gig sometime?

The last words…
Attraction is important, that’s undeniable, but it will only get you so far. If the only reason you are with someone is ‘attraction’, then that relationship will never last. Be desirable because you show genuine interest in the other person. Make them feel wanted and the rest will fall into place.

 

Have any questions or want more details? Looking to skip the nonsense and get straight to the action, I can help too. Find me at www.facebook.com/timreplies/

Are 36 questions enough to find the love of your life?

Give or take a month either side, I’ve been single for three years. One thousand and ninety five days of doing whatever I damn well please and shaving only when common decency demands it. If my relationship status were a child, it would be wearing big boy pants by now.
It’s not for want of trying. There have been Tinder dates – many, many Tinder dates – some good, some bad, some as interminable as double maths on a Friday afternoon. There have been colleagues. Friends of friends. Holiday romances. The guy I met at a house party. The guy I met at a bar. The guy I met at a bus stop. As it turns out, how you meet is really neither here nor there; they all ghost you in the end.
So when an email dropped into my inbox, inviting me to participate in a “social experiment” that promised true love in return for divulging some highly personal information to a complete stranger before gazing into his eyes for the duration of your average pop song, I thought: What do I have to lose?
The experiment would be based on a study conducted by Arthur Aron, a professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, which explored whether intimacy could be established between two people over a period of 90 minutes during which they ask each other a series of increasingly probing questions, then wash it all down with a pint of 100% proof eye contact. The study is some 20 years old but came to prominence in 2015 via an essay written by Mandy Len Catron for The New York Times’ Modern Love column, entitled “To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This”. In the essay, Catron recounts how she and a loose acquaintance spent an evening asking one another those same questions – and subsequently fell in love.
Despite Catron’s endorsement, I’m sceptical. Perhaps it’s that very British fear of discussing anything of any consequence with someone you’ve known inside of five minutes but I find it difficult to believe that enforced (over)sharing can be a substitute for those first tentative weeks of a relationship, where you delicately brush away each other’s layers of self-preservation like archaeologists on a dig. Nor can I silence the inner voice that whispers, What if they pair you with someone awful? At most, I hope to come away from the evening with a hilarious anecdote and my dignity intact.
The day of the experiment rolls around and after checking in (“Just like at the airport!” trills the host, somewhat unromantically) I grab a large glass of wine and hover awkwardly in a corner, awaiting kickoff. A half-hour wait stretches into an hour, by which point the bar is littered with single people staring at their phones while simultaneously scanning the room out of the corners of their eyes.
It’s time to begin. We line up and everyone is given a number – mine is 42 – and instructed to find the table with the corresponding number, where their partner will be waiting. (I should mention here that the only information I provided on signing up was my age, sexual orientation, and what I was looking for romantically – a casual fling, dating, a long-term relationship.) Bracing myself, I stride confidently into the room. The man sitting at my table is – thank you Jesus – really rather handsome. We shake hands, introduce ourselves and get down to business.
There are 36 questions, divided into three sets, each set designed to be more probing than the last. The questions are available online but I resist the temptation to look them up in advance.
Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? I hate this question. I want to say my friends but I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed so I find myself embarking on a tortuous (and, frankly, unoriginal) argument that you should never meet your heroes so the wise choice would be to invite someone you detest and before I know it, Katie Hopkins is coming round for Sunday lunch. My partner (let’s call him Mr X) looks confused. This has not started well.
Question three: Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? “Yes, all the time, because I’m deeply socially awkward and find silence over the phone even more excruciating than silence IRL.” Question seven: Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? “Sleep paralysis. Or a sinkhole.” Question 11: Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
In her aforementioned essay, Catron makes this remark: “We all have a narrative of ourselves that we offer up to strangers and acquaintances, but Dr. Aron’s questions make it impossible to rely on that narrative.” I beg to differ. Mr X answers this question first and, when it reaches my turn, I follow his lead and talk about my upbringing, school, my parents’ divorce, university, travelling and work. I leave out anything to do with previous relationships. For the first time in the evening, I am editing my response, revising and redacting before I speak. This is where Mr X and I discover we have a surprising amount in common: we went to the same university, we both spent a year in France, we have a similar family dynamic. But I can’t help feeling that I haven’t been entirely honest. Then again, Mr X didn’t mention his romantic history either.
We’re into the second set now and it’s getting rocky. A precedent has been set and from this point on my answers veer from astonishingly frank to not-telling-the-whole-story. Question 18: What is your most terrible memory?
By the time we turn the corner into the final 12 questions, I’ve had three glasses of wine and am feeling chuffed with how this whole social experiment is going. For question 30, we have to share when we last cried in front of another person. I answer honestly that it was at the cinema with a close friend, although, again, I can’t help feeling that a truer answer would have been, “In front of a guy I met on Tinder last year; I was a little bit in love with him but all he wanted from me was sex.”
And so we come to the four minutes of eye contact. I’m ashamed to say that Mr X and I agree we don’t want to do it, which technically means we don’t complete the experiment. By this point, though, Mr X has moved his chair to sit beside me and we’ve swapped numbers.
Fall In Love With A Stranger took place at Hoxton Square Bar and Kitchen.

Why December 11th is the busiest for couples to break up

The busiest day for relationship break-ups is looming – so stock up on tissues and tubs of ice-cream before Sunday arrives.

Data has shown that two weeks before Christmas Day is the day of the year when most couples decide it’s over.

That’s according to data compiled by statisticians who studied Facebook posts featuring break-up messages.

There are competing theories as to why a fortnight before the big day is most popular.

For new couples, some may decide they don’t want their new squeeze to meet their family while money-minded lovers may decide that staying together and exchanging expensive gifts just isn’t worth it.

Dr Dorree Lynn, a psychologist and author of Sex for Grownups told ABC News: “If you’re not sure, particularly if you haven’t been dating for several years, a lot of people have issues about gift giving and how intimate the gift giving is.

“They get frightened because they don’t want to put pressure on the other person, but on the other hand they don’t want to feel like a fool giving something and not getting anything back.”

A similar situation occurs in the US ahead of Thanksgiving, with the issue so common that it’s known as the ‘Turkey Dump’.

Luckily, if you make it through the next two weeks, you should be safe until springtime.

Christmas Day is the day of the year when fewest relationships officially end – but the frequency of breakups increases until peaking again in spring

How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back (and Keep Him) in 7 Steps

It doesn’t matter who broke up and why, you want him back no matter what. How do you get him back? What works, what doesn’t and why? Make sure you don’t mess up, or he might never want to hear about you again, let alone get back together. Here are 7 tips to help you make him love you more than ever.

There’s a reason he’s your ex-boyfriend, and your job is to erase that reason out of his memory – forever. He’s out there, dating other women with more or less success. Is he still thinking about you, does he still love you; does he also want to get back together?

Who knows! Maybe he does, maybe not. Either way, you want to hook up again because you’ve realized you still love him. Every other guy you meet can’t match his qualities and this just makes you go insane. Every date you go on with some new guy seems boring and shallow, you find yourself comparing him to your ex and this makes you feel even worse.

It’s time to get THAT guy back into your life.

But how?

Smack him over the head with a brick, throw him in the trunk of your car and take him home. Okay, maybe not. Let’s try something subtler.

Here’s how to get your ex-boyfriend back:

You need to make him feel terrible for breaking up with you. He should feel like a dumbass for letting you go. That’s what you need to make him feel like if you want to get him back. You won’t get him back by spying and stalking him (stop checking his Facebook every 2 minutes), but by making him remember all the great times you had together, and making him imagine how nicer life could be if you were still together.

This requires you to make some radical changes in your life.

Stop and give at least 30 seconds of thought to each of the questions below. Answer honestly; Say it out loud to yourself.

  • What is it that went wrong in your relationship?
  • Why?
  • What is it that he did not like about your relationship?
  • What would you do differently if you got back together?
  • What did he love most about your relationship?
  • What did you love most?
  • What was restricting the love in your relationship the most? What was stopping it from growing further?
  • Did you give your absolute best to make the relationship work?

Think about these questions. Don’t be too critical of either him or yourself. All this emotional bullshit, arguing and blaming each other for crap is one of the reasons you might have broken up in the first place.

We rarely know what we have – until we lose it.

Now you know what you’ve lost, and you are about to get it back. Nobody can guarantee you that you’ll end up being together again – but, in at least 90% of the cases, it’s totally possible. You must believe in the possibility.

  • Why did you guys fall for each other in the first place?
  • What connected you?

There must have been something that he fell in love with in the first place.

  • Why did this disappear?
  • Did you take each other for granted?
  • Did you both get lazy about your relationship and just left it on autopilot?

The reason you must answer these questions to yourself is so that you can determine a couple of things. First, do you really want to get him back, will you be happy or are you just lonely right now, but deep inside you know that it probably won’t work out if you get back together? You must believe that things will work out between the two of you and that you can be happy together again. Otherwise, if you don’t have total belief in this relationship, then it’s not worth trying to get him back.

I’ll assume you’ve decided that things can work out between you and him, so now, the question is – what can you do so that he believes in your relationship too?

#1 Get Better

 

As mentioned above, you need to be better than what he remembers you to be. Hotter. Way hotter. This can be a huge motivator to any guy to get back together. It’s important that you don’t see each other for some time, and then once you do – he is just blown away by how much prettier you’ve become.

This will make him feel horrible that he can’t have you anymore whenever he wants. Desire kicks in, and now he feels like an idiot for not staying with you. After he runs into you, he’ll think “Gosh, she looks amazing!” – just wait to see his jaw drop when he sees how you look 5 times better. I know this sounds shallow, but it works simply because most guys think with what they’ve got in their pants, not with their heart or brain. Even if he’s a pretty smart guy, physical attraction can be the first step to getting your ex-boyfriend back. It’s just the first step, but it’s a crucial one – ’cause now you’ve got your foot in the door. You throw a hook and wait for him to bite.

#2 Forgive Him

 

The second step to getting your ex back is forgiveness. You’ll never be able to be together again if you can’t forgive each other. Initiate this yourself. Why did you break up? Did you cheat, did he cheat, did the love evaporate, or you got bored, what is it? It doesn’t really matter the point is that you give each other a clean slate. Don’t talk about what happened in the past with him.

Start over. Click the reset button. Whatever he did wrong – get over it. Forgive yourself if you’ve made mistakes and forgive him, you are both guilty in one way or another, and reminding each other about it won’t help. You can’t get back together if you are enemies, so stay close to each other by forgiving. Let the past go. Every day is a new opportunity for you to have a better life with a great guy, maybe it’s him – and now that you’re starting over, you’ve learned from your mistakes, but you can continue on only when you manage to forgive.

#3 Don’t Find a New Guy

 

Listen, sure, finding some new dude may be okay for you as a bandade, but it won’t help you get your ex-boyfriend back. You should make him jealous in a smarter way. Like, he should see that there are guys mingling around you, but don’t let him see that you’ve actually found someone. Don’t post stupid, drunken-party pictures on Facebook of you making out with some random dude.

That definitely won’t help, he’ll just hate you and he’ll feel hurt, almost as if you were cheating on him. Instead… he has to see that you are still emotionally available for him, you just need some space and time to heal after your break up. Hint him that you might like to get back together, but don’t attack him about it. Give him space and see how he reacts.

#4 Change Yourself

 

Look, if you’re serious about this guy and you really want him back in your life, then you must change. Changing may not be easy, but it’s necessary if you want your relationship to be better than the last time. It’s quite simple. If you keep doing what you’ve been doing – you’ll keep getting the same results. So don’t expect a happily ever after, supercool happy ending if you aren’t willing to do things differently than you did before, otherwise you’ll just end up breaking up again.

So, find out what messed up your relationship and work on it. Were you too cranky, moody, jealous, demanding, insane, nagging-all-day, not giving him his space and freedom, disrespectful, got fat, made out with another guy, or you just sucked in bed? Whichever it was – fix it. He needs to see that, after a month or so of breaking up, you are progressing; suddenly you became a different person. But do it for you, not for him. Once he sees how much different you became he’ll wish you never broke up in the first place, he’ll want to give the whole thing another chance too.

#5 Initiate Contact

Now, it’s time to actually get back in touch with your ex. It depends; maybe you didn’t see each other, or talk, for months, or even a year. Maybe you just broke up two weeks ago and everything is still very emotional and fresh. Either way, you can’t get back together with him over the phone, so you need to see each other.

My suggestion, from a male perspective, having sex immediately once you meet up again may be a wrong choice. Even if you’ve been together for a long time before, it’s good to make everything seem new, and different. If he messed up, and that’s the reason you broke up, you shouldn’t make it that easy for him to get back together. Throw in some temptation.

He needs to desire you, a lot. Be sexy and provocative, but don’t sleep together the first time you meet to “catch up” and see whether he also wants to get back together or not. Let him think about you. Drop a hook, and make him feel horrible when he sees how much you’ve improved, how well you are doing, how sexy you look and how your life is taking another direction. Don’t try to fake it. He knows you and he’ll know whether you’re full of crap or not.

For real, change yourself for the better; let him see that and he’ll want to be part of it. But you won’t let him back into your world overnight – even if you really, really want to get him back, don’t. You both need some time to appreciate each other for other things then sex. And when the sex does come, it better be mind-blowing. Then again, don’t be clingy and don’t call him every day after that – love all over again – instead, take your time. Let him think about you and worry a bit.

You had sex, but do you want to get back together or not? Let him wonder and guess, let him compare you to other women he might have been with since you were apart. He’ll soon realize what a mistake he’s made, and he’ll never want to make that mistake (breaking up with you) again.

The point isn’t just that you get your ex back, but that you KEEP him. Often folks just have sex again, once or twice, but things don’t work out and they end up breaking up again. So don’t take anything for granted. Make sure he has the best night of his life when you make up, but after that don’t drop into your “old” relationship with your ex, instead – create something new.

Keep it different. All the bad experiences you had in the past with him, everything that reminds you of those not-so-happy experiences – try to avoid them. Change your apartment if you can, move, have some tangible things that are different, clothes, your perfume, anything that makes him feel as if he was with a new you, a better you, that he’ll never want to let go no matter what.

When you guys meet up for dinner/coffee, whatever, don’t talk about the past , why you broke up and stuff like that. Ask him what’s new in his life, how he’s doing, maybe remind him of something nice that only you know about him that you can both laugh about it. Keep the conversation light. Super-emotional, could-a, would-a, should-a stuff will just bring you back to where you were.

Then and there, don’t analyze, argue or talk about negative stuff. Turn the page. Keep walking in a new direction. It’s your ex-boyfriend that will become your new girlfriend, it’s you – his ex-girlfriend, that will become a new girlfriend. Give each other a clean slate. When you leave the place, don’t kiss. Give him a deep gaze, let your eyes, not your mouth say: I love you.

Let him see it, but don’t say it. Tell him you had a great time, and that you could meet up some time to hang out… he will feel like his leg was chopped of for not kissing, but he will know that you want more, that there might be a new, bright future for the two of you. All night he’ll be flipping around in bed, thinking about how beautiful you are and how much he wants to get back with you. I’m not saying you should be ice-cold when you meet up, on the contrary, be cold, but a bit mysterious, make him wonder.

Don’t just throw it in his face that you still love him and that you want him back. Be stronger than your emotions. Give the whole “getting back together” process some time; make a good foundation for that future you’ll build together.

 

#6 The Night of His Life

 

Okay, as mentioned before, eventually, you’ll end up at his or your place, taking your clothes off. This night is what will decide whether you’ll get him back or not. I know this sounds shallow, but it’s the truth.

Men are comparing creatures and whether you want him to or not, he’ll subconsciously compare you to other women in his life. Maybe he’s with some new girl right now, and that’s the one you need to take him back from. How do you make sure that this won’t just be a one-night-stand with your ex-boyfriend?

You must be mind-blowing. Everything about you needs to blow his mind. From your lingerie, to your smell, your look, your soft skin, your whole energy and aura needs to excite him to a level he did not know is possible. The moment when he reaches climax is the moment he’ll figure how brilliant you are and how stupid he was to ever leave you.

This may put pressure on you and make you feel self-conscious, and it should. The fact is, you conquer a man’s heart by conquering what’s in his pants, like no other woman ever could. Everything after that is easier. Yet again, this night needs to be different than in the past. It should not remind you too much of the time you were together before, it needs to be better.

This is why it’s ideal if you do it at your place, ’cause then you can prepare a bit, you can make the atmosphere amazing. Anything you’ve not been doing in the past, but know he loves, now’s the time to get with the program. You never gave him oral when you were together before? Are you too shy to talk dirty? Do you hide under the cover?

Think about what you could do better to show him the best night of his life with you and you’ll triple your chances of getting him back.

Hate me all you want for telling you this, but it’s what works and what has worked for thousands of women around the world that got back and kept their ex-boyfriends.

#7 Don’t Take Anything for Granted

Seems like you’ll get him back. You’ve seen each other a couple of times and things are going good. It seems like all will work out great! But wait, and re-think it. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking all is good now and that you’ll just be fine… you may not. People that get back together tend to go back to their old, real ways, because they did not make any real, fundamental changes to their lives.

It was just a mask. Beware, as if you both go back to your old ways of arguing and dealing with problems, you’ll get back to where you were – apart.  Don’t let that happen. Don’t get lazy and don’t take things for granted. The first few weeks of being together again as also the first few weeks where he’s most likely to “run for his life” and leave you or just decide that you shouldn’t have gotten back together in the first place.

How can you prevent this? Really, change. Make him change too. When you become better, you have the right to expect him to get better too. Build a relationship where you grow and improve together as individuals and partners, not enemy’s that slow each other’s progress down. He is not yours and never will be, not even when you both have a ring on your finger, so don’t view him as a thing you’ve got a right over, like owning a car or your shoes.

He can walk away and probably will if you treat him as property. Instead, view him as a customer. You want to make a loyal customer out of your boyfriend that isn’t forced to buy at your shop, but loves to “shop” at your store because he gets treated better than anywhere else. He then grows to need you, love you, and want you – every single day.

There’s more to getting your ex back than this post of course. Every situation is different and requires a slightly different approach. Hopefully at least one tip from above rings a bell and gets you closer on your path to getting Mr. Right back to where he should be, with you, the perfect girlfriend for him.  Once you get him back, don’t take him for granted – a relationship… love… is something you must work on and maintain so that the fire keeps burning, if you just leave it unattended it’ll either go out or get out of proportion and burn down a whole forest.

Laziness is why most relationships fail, and that’s what happens when people take each other for granted. Don’t be one of those couples. Take initiative if he doesn’t, you can totally do it! I believe in you.

 

p.s.: Here’s the 8th step – DO NOTHING. It’s a bit unexpected, but can work to. Simply, don’t call him, don’t try to get back in touch (if he left you), and just wait, forget about him, move on… show power by not making the first move, he’ll wonder how come you didn’t try to get him back. It might be an alternative idea. If nothing else works.

Once you get him back – drop a comment below, let us know what has worked for you, what you did, how and why? Others could benefit from your experience.

Jason