image_pdfimage_print

What if he is asking for a break ? 5 reason why he would do that

 

 

There are few sentences that doom a relationship as much as “let’s take a break.” It’s almost like saying, “We’re on the way out, but neither of us wants to let go, so let’s just do this painfully and slowly.” It’s like clinging to flotsam after a shipwreck in the middle of the ocean, knowing you’ll likely drown but being unable to give up. Except, in the case of the relationship, instead of sinking slowly into a watery grave, you just get sad for a while and then date someone else.

So people know that, even if the idea of the “break” has the best intentions, the odds that it won’t just turn into a full-on break up are certainly stacked against you. Here are the reasons he’s probably asking for one, in order of likelihood:

1. This is his way of breaking up without being too harsh.

 

This is almost always why a “break” is proposed. He’s probably a good guy, but he’s also too cowardly to tell you he doesn’t want to see you anymore. Typically, the relationship was amazing at one point, and you were deeply in love, maybe even unhealthily codependent. He wants to get out but feels awful being the one to end things, even if it’s the right thing to do in the long-term. If you suspect that’s what’s going on, ask him to be real with you. It’ll be way less awful than dragging through months of long talks and confusion when he’s already made up his mind.

2. He wants to have sex with someone else.

 

If you’re on a break, and he has sex with someone else, he technically didn’t cheat and then you can still get back together. This is a pretty garbage reason to ask for a break. Granted, this is 2016 and some people can successfully navigate an open relationship, and if you want to bang other people too, then maybe you’ll be down for this. “I have so many people I wanted to bang,” you’ll say. “Look at this bang list. I need to get started.” And then the two of you high-five and everything works out, and I guess you’re both soul mates because you both have a “bang list” apparently and aren’t deterred by your partner possessing a similar bang list.

But, if open relationships aren’t your thing, then this is his way of sneaking in a free pass. If there’s some woman he’s been hanging out with and he suddenly asks for a break out of the blue, you can tell him, “The only break you’re getting is a break up. With me. I’m breaking up with you.” Maybe don’t say that, but just break up with him.

3. He really actually needs to reevaluate your relationship. 

 

It’s not necessarily a great sign, but he might really want to take a constructive look at your relationship and take some distance for a few weeks. The relationship might’ve once been great but now feels stagnant. He might feel like he’s at a crossroads where he needs to figure out if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you or not. His intentions are good, but if he has to do this in the first place (or more specifically, if he feels he has to do this), then it’s time for you both to really look at your relationship and at what needs changing. Are those things worth changing, or things worth breaking up over? Can you come back from a “break?” Sure. But you both have to really want to work at it if you don’t want it to be your death sentence. It’s way too easy to think, Single life isn’t so bad and I’m comfortable here, now.

4. He needs a few weeks of peace and quiet.

 

Maybe he’s not the best with words and “break” isn’t the most accurate term. He could have some major finals or a huge crunch at work, and doesn’t want any distractions. He could really just be looking for some space. If he’s stressed and he’s the kind of person that needs to focus on one thing at a time, you’ll both feel better in the long run if you give him that space. He probably knows he’s going to snap at you for little things, or act distant, and he doesn’t want to feel guilted into spending time with you when he knows he should be devoting it somewhere else. In all fairness, he probably should have said “me time” instead, but hey, this isn’t the worst possible outcome on this list.

 5. This is some kind of “relationship test.” 

 

He wants to see if you’ll say yes to the break because that would somehow mean you’re not committed to the relationship. Some people are just so insecure that they feel compelled to play mind games. Maybe he’s afraid of losing you. Maybe he thinks, She’s going to break up with me, so I should break up with her first. Maybe he’s a sociopath. Maybe he read it on some website on the internet (who would do that?). I don’t know, some people are crazy and play weird mind games. Don’t bother with anyone who does this.

What do men really find attractive in women? – Tim and his honest answer to this question

Here we go, another article with a male writer talking about how inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. “Men want a good personality over a good pair of lady lumps!”

Sorry to disappoint you ladies, but not today. I only do honesty.

You want to attract a man, you have to be attractive! It’s simple logic. By definition, attraction in it’s simplest form is a first impression; instinctual and purely a physical judgment. If you’re shopping for bananas, do you take the ripe banana or the brown bruised banana?… Now before you react, I’m not calling, or insinuating, that anyone is a undesirable bruised banana simply based on how someone looks. Everyone has something to offer and that is what makes us ‘DESIRABLE’… but let’s not joke each other and pretend the world is perfect. Popular culture will have you believe that ‘attraction’ and ‘desire’ are the same thing… but they are not even close… If you are standing next to a Victoria’s secret model, then congratulations, you are now invisible. You’re now a superhero, go you!

I know it’s hard, and yes, you can’t change your genetics. You can’t change the past and you can’t change plain-old bad luck. Attraction for men, biologically, is based on your physical appearance, and although that may vary for personal preference, the general consensus of beauty is fairly universal. You either have it, or you don’t. If you aren’t sure if you’re pretty or not, then you already know the answer. This is harsh but this is the truth.

HOWEVER… all hope is not lost! Do not despair or give up! This is why you ‘Ask Tim’ and this is why I get paid the big bucks. Physical appearance means NOTHING when it comes to REAL, NORMAL, EVERYDAY people! Life is nothing like the movies or Television! Popular culture needs you to believe that celebrities, actors, musicians and the like, are better version of real people. That they are more beautiful or more importantly, living an ‘easier’ life. If you compare yourself to others, and doubt your desirability, then you have already lost the competitive edge; and therefore by simple logic, are less attractive than your ‘competitor’. The dating game is nothing more than a animalistic primal dance of bright colors and loud screams. Attraction will get you noticed first, but just because the early bird gets the worm, doesn’t mean that every other bird is starving!

So…. the top three things that a man will find most desirable. Starting with the most important!

1. Can you have a conversation?!

Approaching a girl is hard. It takes a lot of confidence, practice and sheer optimism. If a guy approaches you, that you like, then make an effort to have a conversation! Even if the guy is a dud, it’s still good to practice until you find the right guy. There is nothing worse than when I’ve approached someone, and after asking,

Tim: Hey, how’s your night going?
Girl: Oh Hey, yeah, good thanks, you?
Tim: I’m great, had a few beers and feel relaxed after a long day. Do you come here often?
Girl: Yeah… a bit… you?
Tim: Yeah I do actually. Really like the music and vibe. Good ambiance. Are you here with friends; having a big night?
Girl: Yeah, a few, what about you?
Tim: Just a few guys from work. Not sure where the night will take me yet. Keeping my options open.
Girl: Oh nice. Nice. Yeah. um. *Sips drink*
Tim: Cool… Cool… *long awkward silence* Talk later then…

No matter what you look like, that example right there will kill any guys mojo. It’s done. It’s over. He’s not coming back. Pack your backs and call an Uber…. Of course you may be nervous too and even too shy to ask him meaningful questions but just the act of trying will make you ten times more desirable. Even if you feel like you are making a fool of yourself, it’s better than not offering anything to the conversation.

A boy will like you for how you look; a man will love you for how you make him feel.

2. Common interests and related humour
Let’s try again.
Tim: Hey, How’s it going, I’m Tim.
Girl: *Notices funny Game of thrones T-Shirt* Ahh excuse me, I’m Daenerys, Mother of Dragons, please address me by my formal title. *with playful smile*
Tim: My apologies Queen, let me buy you another mug of ale.
**Fast forward**
Girl: Do you have protection?

It’s important to understand that men are just as vulnerable to social expectations and they too suffer from the feeling of inadequacy. If you have realistic expectations about the man you want to meet, then that man is just as nervous about being perceived as ‘attractive’ as you are. He hasn’t nor will rarely approach the most attractive girl at the bar. Every guy knows that that is a suicide mission because she will reject you… and reject you hard… He is approaching you, because A) you seem approachable, meaning yes, in truth, in what he believes is his ‘social range’ but more importantly B) the most attractive girl within his range… Simply by approaching you, he has acknowledged that he finds you ATTRACTIVE! You didn’t have to do anything!!!

3. Know what you want before the night even begins!

The majority of men hate wasting time. When I ask, what do you want for dinner and you reply… “ahhh, I don’t know, what do you want?”, I am dying inside from frustration. Men are simple creatures with unnecessarily complex brains. We are capable of great things, but most of the time, just want to eat, (work), play and sleep. For that, you need to know what you want before you go out. If you are just looking for a no-strings hook up, then act like you want a no strings hook up. If you are looking to find a future, meaningful relationship, then act like you are looking for a meaningful relationship. Social expectation dictates that a man approaches, or makes the first move, but there is nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants. That doesn’t mean you tell a guy what to do and when to do it. It means you act with conviction and congruence in your words and actions. If you want a real connection, ask questions that are both socially appropriate and meaningful.
***
Tim: Yeah I do actually. Really like the music and vibe. Good ambiance. Are you here with friends; having a big night?
Girl: Me too, I really like Jazz. Especially the saxophone. Something about the sound is just so smooth and calming. Oh and my friend is just at the bar.
Tim: Haha, there is my friend, at the bar also. I know what you mean. It has such a soulful rhythm. Easy to move to. Do you play any instruments yourself?
Girl: Haha I tried the piano but I’m not very good.
**fast forward**
Tim: Maybe I can get your number, and we could check out a Jazz Gig sometime?

The last words…
Attraction is important, that’s undeniable, but it will only get you so far. If the only reason you are with someone is ‘attraction’, then that relationship will never last. Be desirable because you show genuine interest in the other person. Make them feel wanted and the rest will fall into place.

 

Have any questions or want more details? Looking to skip the nonsense and get straight to the action, I can help too. Find me at www.facebook.com/timreplies/

Are 36 questions enough to find the love of your life?

Give or take a month either side, I’ve been single for three years. One thousand and ninety five days of doing whatever I damn well please and shaving only when common decency demands it. If my relationship status were a child, it would be wearing big boy pants by now.
It’s not for want of trying. There have been Tinder dates – many, many Tinder dates – some good, some bad, some as interminable as double maths on a Friday afternoon. There have been colleagues. Friends of friends. Holiday romances. The guy I met at a house party. The guy I met at a bar. The guy I met at a bus stop. As it turns out, how you meet is really neither here nor there; they all ghost you in the end.
So when an email dropped into my inbox, inviting me to participate in a “social experiment” that promised true love in return for divulging some highly personal information to a complete stranger before gazing into his eyes for the duration of your average pop song, I thought: What do I have to lose?
The experiment would be based on a study conducted by Arthur Aron, a professor of psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, which explored whether intimacy could be established between two people over a period of 90 minutes during which they ask each other a series of increasingly probing questions, then wash it all down with a pint of 100% proof eye contact. The study is some 20 years old but came to prominence in 2015 via an essay written by Mandy Len Catron for The New York Times’ Modern Love column, entitled “To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This”. In the essay, Catron recounts how she and a loose acquaintance spent an evening asking one another those same questions – and subsequently fell in love.
Despite Catron’s endorsement, I’m sceptical. Perhaps it’s that very British fear of discussing anything of any consequence with someone you’ve known inside of five minutes but I find it difficult to believe that enforced (over)sharing can be a substitute for those first tentative weeks of a relationship, where you delicately brush away each other’s layers of self-preservation like archaeologists on a dig. Nor can I silence the inner voice that whispers, What if they pair you with someone awful? At most, I hope to come away from the evening with a hilarious anecdote and my dignity intact.
The day of the experiment rolls around and after checking in (“Just like at the airport!” trills the host, somewhat unromantically) I grab a large glass of wine and hover awkwardly in a corner, awaiting kickoff. A half-hour wait stretches into an hour, by which point the bar is littered with single people staring at their phones while simultaneously scanning the room out of the corners of their eyes.
It’s time to begin. We line up and everyone is given a number – mine is 42 – and instructed to find the table with the corresponding number, where their partner will be waiting. (I should mention here that the only information I provided on signing up was my age, sexual orientation, and what I was looking for romantically – a casual fling, dating, a long-term relationship.) Bracing myself, I stride confidently into the room. The man sitting at my table is – thank you Jesus – really rather handsome. We shake hands, introduce ourselves and get down to business.
There are 36 questions, divided into three sets, each set designed to be more probing than the last. The questions are available online but I resist the temptation to look them up in advance.
Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? I hate this question. I want to say my friends but I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed so I find myself embarking on a tortuous (and, frankly, unoriginal) argument that you should never meet your heroes so the wise choice would be to invite someone you detest and before I know it, Katie Hopkins is coming round for Sunday lunch. My partner (let’s call him Mr X) looks confused. This has not started well.
Question three: Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? “Yes, all the time, because I’m deeply socially awkward and find silence over the phone even more excruciating than silence IRL.” Question seven: Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? “Sleep paralysis. Or a sinkhole.” Question 11: Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
In her aforementioned essay, Catron makes this remark: “We all have a narrative of ourselves that we offer up to strangers and acquaintances, but Dr. Aron’s questions make it impossible to rely on that narrative.” I beg to differ. Mr X answers this question first and, when it reaches my turn, I follow his lead and talk about my upbringing, school, my parents’ divorce, university, travelling and work. I leave out anything to do with previous relationships. For the first time in the evening, I am editing my response, revising and redacting before I speak. This is where Mr X and I discover we have a surprising amount in common: we went to the same university, we both spent a year in France, we have a similar family dynamic. But I can’t help feeling that I haven’t been entirely honest. Then again, Mr X didn’t mention his romantic history either.
We’re into the second set now and it’s getting rocky. A precedent has been set and from this point on my answers veer from astonishingly frank to not-telling-the-whole-story. Question 18: What is your most terrible memory?
By the time we turn the corner into the final 12 questions, I’ve had three glasses of wine and am feeling chuffed with how this whole social experiment is going. For question 30, we have to share when we last cried in front of another person. I answer honestly that it was at the cinema with a close friend, although, again, I can’t help feeling that a truer answer would have been, “In front of a guy I met on Tinder last year; I was a little bit in love with him but all he wanted from me was sex.”
And so we come to the four minutes of eye contact. I’m ashamed to say that Mr X and I agree we don’t want to do it, which technically means we don’t complete the experiment. By this point, though, Mr X has moved his chair to sit beside me and we’ve swapped numbers.
Fall In Love With A Stranger took place at Hoxton Square Bar and Kitchen.

Why December 11th is the busiest for couples to break up

The busiest day for relationship break-ups is looming – so stock up on tissues and tubs of ice-cream before Sunday arrives.

Data has shown that two weeks before Christmas Day is the day of the year when most couples decide it’s over.

That’s according to data compiled by statisticians who studied Facebook posts featuring break-up messages.

There are competing theories as to why a fortnight before the big day is most popular.

For new couples, some may decide they don’t want their new squeeze to meet their family while money-minded lovers may decide that staying together and exchanging expensive gifts just isn’t worth it.

Dr Dorree Lynn, a psychologist and author of Sex for Grownups told ABC News: “If you’re not sure, particularly if you haven’t been dating for several years, a lot of people have issues about gift giving and how intimate the gift giving is.

“They get frightened because they don’t want to put pressure on the other person, but on the other hand they don’t want to feel like a fool giving something and not getting anything back.”

A similar situation occurs in the US ahead of Thanksgiving, with the issue so common that it’s known as the ‘Turkey Dump’.

Luckily, if you make it through the next two weeks, you should be safe until springtime.

Christmas Day is the day of the year when fewest relationships officially end – but the frequency of breakups increases until peaking again in spring