image_pdfimage_print

How to let go?

Still thinking about that ex after six months?;
Or about that guy you had a ‘crush on’ but waited too long, ‘I should of said something!’;
Or how can I trust again after my last bad relationship/s?

How do we deal with the memories that haunt us, taunt us and make us question ourselves; what is wrong with me? Humans have, and always will be, emotional beings. Everything we do in life is defined by how we feel about ourselves and the outside world. Sometimes that’s a positive, sometimes a negative. We can laugh at jokes told hours before, smile about the things we love when they aren’t around OR even hold onto grudges for a lifetime over one poorly chosen and ill-willed sentence.

The why is simple; we have evolved to learn from our experiences by attaching emotional connections to reinforce the ‘desired’ lesson. Just as every day you spend with a lover increases your connection; so too can time apart strengthen a negative attachment. In simplest terms when spoken to our children, ‘Do not touch the stove or you will get burned.’ Yet for all our good intentions; we all know that curiosity and the inevitable painful consequences will be learned. In this case, after many scream filled tears, the lesson that you should never touch a stove will last that child’s lifetime.

So Tim, How do we move on? Well… My first answer is always the question, ‘why do you want to move on?’

Every time you reflect on an old flame, memory or experience; that is your brain reminding you of potential consequences of lessons learned, positive and negative. It’s that simple. Remember, our brains, or more so, our subconscious is not the enemy. It isn’t trying to confuse, trick or manipulate us just for the sake of it. It is simply answering the question based on the information you have given it. This is you…

You: I’m bored and not fully focused on this task, please bring up a selection of thoughts based on emotional importance to reinforce existing learning.
Brainoogle: Are you sure about that?
You: Not really but let’s roll the dice; C’mon happy thoughts….
Brainoogle: Let’s see… searching… Current stimulus = At Work ADD Most frequent thought cross referenced with emotional potency REMOVE results older than one year…
Loading… Loading…
Brainoogle: Here is a vivid memory of the time you caught your boyfriend cheating on you with your co-worker. QUE Chemical release attached emotion – Anger leading to heart wrenching sadness.
You: Where is that BI*CH! I’ll kill her! She ruined my life! I have nothing left! I’m useless!
Brainoogle: RELEASE TEARS… and my job is done for the next 30 minutes… time for my smoke break.

Like and share if you can relate.. But joke aside, it is important to understand that although you can’t always control what you think, you CAN CONTROL how you interpret these thoughts. Using cognitive restructuring YOU are able to reprogram these conditioned responses BUT it takes time and continued effort. You cannot just break the memory/emotion neurological process over night. The more we think about any one topic, the stronger the bond gets. It’s that simple. The reason you can’t move on, is because you keep thinking about how you can’t move on. The stimuli is only relevant so long as you keep reinforcing that emotional bond.

So here is the answer; and I know It’s not as easy as just switching off the thought. You can’t just stop thinking about it, that’s impossible. Every where you go, you will be reminded of the connection, it’s inevitable. This is your brain actively learning and improving. A very necessary function to human life… Example, you see a movie; ‘this is where we used to date’ ect ect. Excluding serious brain trauma/concussion, you can’t just erase memories.

So what do we do; this all leads back to my first question… See what I did there… *wink*

Until you have decided what you truly want, and you yourself believe it, you will never be able to ‘let go’. In many cases, people can get back together, and they can live happily ever after, and sometimes people learn to forgive and have meaningful friendships, and so on. OR you may decide that YOU WILL NEVER LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN!!!

Decide on a goal, weighing up the pro’s and con’s, and decide once and for all what you want, then try your best to achieve it and with success or failure you will have closure. Anything else is only reinforcing unhealthy mind sets.

You need to change the emotional attachment through sheer unwavering repetition. Every time you have that thought/memory, you need to remind yourself that the future is better than the past. You will be happier in the future! You may not be ‘happy’ now, but you know you are working to make a better future. You need to re-wire any thought you had, and reconstruct it with a positive outlook. Thinking about your ex? ‘you’re better off without them’. REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT.

There is no easy fix, and your brain is trying to help you avoid the same mistakes. The amazing thing is; after you have deconstructed and remade that memory chain, these very same thoughts you’re having now, will actually bring you joy in the future. When you start the next amazing connection, it will only add to the richness and vigor of those memories and create a happier, better you.

 

Have any questions or want more details? Find me at www.facebook.com/timreplies/

What do men really find attractive in women? – Tim and his honest answer to this question

Here we go, another article with a male writer talking about how inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. “Men want a good personality over a good pair of lady lumps!”

Sorry to disappoint you ladies, but not today. I only do honesty.

You want to attract a man, you have to be attractive! It’s simple logic. By definition, attraction in it’s simplest form is a first impression; instinctual and purely a physical judgment. If you’re shopping for bananas, do you take the ripe banana or the brown bruised banana?… Now before you react, I’m not calling, or insinuating, that anyone is a undesirable bruised banana simply based on how someone looks. Everyone has something to offer and that is what makes us ‘DESIRABLE’… but let’s not joke each other and pretend the world is perfect. Popular culture will have you believe that ‘attraction’ and ‘desire’ are the same thing… but they are not even close… If you are standing next to a Victoria’s secret model, then congratulations, you are now invisible. You’re now a superhero, go you!

I know it’s hard, and yes, you can’t change your genetics. You can’t change the past and you can’t change plain-old bad luck. Attraction for men, biologically, is based on your physical appearance, and although that may vary for personal preference, the general consensus of beauty is fairly universal. You either have it, or you don’t. If you aren’t sure if you’re pretty or not, then you already know the answer. This is harsh but this is the truth.

HOWEVER… all hope is not lost! Do not despair or give up! This is why you ‘Ask Tim’ and this is why I get paid the big bucks. Physical appearance means NOTHING when it comes to REAL, NORMAL, EVERYDAY people! Life is nothing like the movies or Television! Popular culture needs you to believe that celebrities, actors, musicians and the like, are better version of real people. That they are more beautiful or more importantly, living an ‘easier’ life. If you compare yourself to others, and doubt your desirability, then you have already lost the competitive edge; and therefore by simple logic, are less attractive than your ‘competitor’. The dating game is nothing more than a animalistic primal dance of bright colors and loud screams. Attraction will get you noticed first, but just because the early bird gets the worm, doesn’t mean that every other bird is starving!

So…. the top three things that a man will find most desirable. Starting with the most important!

1. Can you have a conversation?!

Approaching a girl is hard. It takes a lot of confidence, practice and sheer optimism. If a guy approaches you, that you like, then make an effort to have a conversation! Even if the guy is a dud, it’s still good to practice until you find the right guy. There is nothing worse than when I’ve approached someone, and after asking,

Tim: Hey, how’s your night going?
Girl: Oh Hey, yeah, good thanks, you?
Tim: I’m great, had a few beers and feel relaxed after a long day. Do you come here often?
Girl: Yeah… a bit… you?
Tim: Yeah I do actually. Really like the music and vibe. Good ambiance. Are you here with friends; having a big night?
Girl: Yeah, a few, what about you?
Tim: Just a few guys from work. Not sure where the night will take me yet. Keeping my options open.
Girl: Oh nice. Nice. Yeah. um. *Sips drink*
Tim: Cool… Cool… *long awkward silence* Talk later then…

No matter what you look like, that example right there will kill any guys mojo. It’s done. It’s over. He’s not coming back. Pack your backs and call an Uber…. Of course you may be nervous too and even too shy to ask him meaningful questions but just the act of trying will make you ten times more desirable. Even if you feel like you are making a fool of yourself, it’s better than not offering anything to the conversation.

A boy will like you for how you look; a man will love you for how you make him feel.

2. Common interests and related humour
Let’s try again.
Tim: Hey, How’s it going, I’m Tim.
Girl: *Notices funny Game of thrones T-Shirt* Ahh excuse me, I’m Daenerys, Mother of Dragons, please address me by my formal title. *with playful smile*
Tim: My apologies Queen, let me buy you another mug of ale.
**Fast forward**
Girl: Do you have protection?

It’s important to understand that men are just as vulnerable to social expectations and they too suffer from the feeling of inadequacy. If you have realistic expectations about the man you want to meet, then that man is just as nervous about being perceived as ‘attractive’ as you are. He hasn’t nor will rarely approach the most attractive girl at the bar. Every guy knows that that is a suicide mission because she will reject you… and reject you hard… He is approaching you, because A) you seem approachable, meaning yes, in truth, in what he believes is his ‘social range’ but more importantly B) the most attractive girl within his range… Simply by approaching you, he has acknowledged that he finds you ATTRACTIVE! You didn’t have to do anything!!!

3. Know what you want before the night even begins!

The majority of men hate wasting time. When I ask, what do you want for dinner and you reply… “ahhh, I don’t know, what do you want?”, I am dying inside from frustration. Men are simple creatures with unnecessarily complex brains. We are capable of great things, but most of the time, just want to eat, (work), play and sleep. For that, you need to know what you want before you go out. If you are just looking for a no-strings hook up, then act like you want a no strings hook up. If you are looking to find a future, meaningful relationship, then act like you are looking for a meaningful relationship. Social expectation dictates that a man approaches, or makes the first move, but there is nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants. That doesn’t mean you tell a guy what to do and when to do it. It means you act with conviction and congruence in your words and actions. If you want a real connection, ask questions that are both socially appropriate and meaningful.
***
Tim: Yeah I do actually. Really like the music and vibe. Good ambiance. Are you here with friends; having a big night?
Girl: Me too, I really like Jazz. Especially the saxophone. Something about the sound is just so smooth and calming. Oh and my friend is just at the bar.
Tim: Haha, there is my friend, at the bar also. I know what you mean. It has such a soulful rhythm. Easy to move to. Do you play any instruments yourself?
Girl: Haha I tried the piano but I’m not very good.
**fast forward**
Tim: Maybe I can get your number, and we could check out a Jazz Gig sometime?

The last words…
Attraction is important, that’s undeniable, but it will only get you so far. If the only reason you are with someone is ‘attraction’, then that relationship will never last. Be desirable because you show genuine interest in the other person. Make them feel wanted and the rest will fall into place.

 

Have any questions or want more details? Looking to skip the nonsense and get straight to the action, I can help too. Find me at www.facebook.com/timreplies/